Good Enough is my Super Power

Good enough truly is a superpower. This 8-year-old spouted off growth mindset concepts, such as “mistakes are how we learn,” yet still struggled with the challenge of perfectionism. She worried about being called out in class, falling behind if she missed class (for enrichment class!), getting it right, or feeling like she wasn’t following the rules. Her perfectionism showed up in much the same way it shows up in many kids’ (and adults’) lives:

 I celebrated when she started embracing the ideas:

Her drawing spoke volumes, embodying the protection and strength of embracing “Good Enough.”

Many parents express confusion about their child’s perfectionism, as they tell me that they don’t necessarily emphasize perfection in achievement. Truly, it’s often the way kids are wired combined with a world that streams perfectionistic standards, offers immediate gratification, and focuses on achievement rather than experiencing life. (That’s a whole other topic we can dive into at a later time.) In the meantime, how do can parents help their kids develop the SuperPower of Good Enough?

Model Imperfection

Yes, the adage “actions speak louder than words” is inherently true. Kids learn better when they not only hear explanations but can see things in actions. Narrate your thoughts and feelings through setbacks and the process of moving through those thoughts and feelings.

For example, comment on experiencing frustration and disappointment but also how you acknowledge and then cope with these feelings when the outcome doesn’t match your expectations. Demonstrate that learning isn’t an all-or-none or linear process; rather, it’s about progress.

Embrace an approach to learning, growth, and development that is good enough for NOW. That’s not giving up. It’s recognizing that we continue to put forth effort to learn and grow; however, we don’t always have control over the speed at which it happens.

Similarly, if we don’t grasp something immediately, it doesn’t mean we are “bad” at it. Kids often say, “I am bad at math.” In reality, it simply means they need more time to grasp complex concepts, which is perfectly normal, particularly as they advance through grade levels. Through modeling, we normalize experiencing challenges and the emotions that accompany them as well as different ways to deal with them.

 Avoid “Perfect” Language

Language matters. How often do you hear yourself or others say, “That’s perfect?” Normalize imperfection, using phrases like:

This is good enough. Oops, that didn’t work. This could work.I’ll try again later after a break.

Notice how you talk to yourself when you make a mistake or something doesn’t go as expected. When you’re unkind or hard on yourself, what do you do to move through that? Do you ever apologize to yourself? Do you find yourself reframing what you say to yourself?

Practice Self-Compassion

Simply put, be kind to yourself. Everyone has challenges, and no one tries to make what we often consider “bad” choices.  We all do the best we can for the situation we are in, with the information we have, and with the resources available to us.

Likewise, we can appreciate the various factors related to a problem or challenging situation:

Looking at these different perspectives encourages compassion and enables us to see that it’s not “all our fault.”

Remember doing the best we can doesn’t necessarily lead to our desired outcomes. That’s OK. Sometimes it is what it is, and it’s good enough. When those choices end up not being the best, we learn from them.

Boost self-confidence

Encourage kids to go outside their comfort zone, even one tiny, small step at a time. Confidence isn’t having all the answers and knowing you’ll get it right. It’s trusting in yourself that you can handle disappointment or the unexpected and figure things out.

 Every time they take a risk, it builds bravery and confidence. It normalizes discomfort and makes it feel less scary next time. It’s often this discomfort and fear of not being able to handle it that holds us back. Experience is how we truly learn, and no one gets it right all the time or escapes feeling embarrassed or awkward.

Celebrate the Process

Shift the focus from achievement to noticing qualities and effort along with the positive outcomes. Achievements can be fleeting and unpredictable, even with hard work. Whatever “success” is, it’s not always in our control.

While scoring a goal and acing a test are worth recognizing, it’s just as important to acknowledge the qualities that contribute to those accomplishments – maybe perseverance, patience, showing kindness, prioritizing, asking for help, or teamwork. It’s qualities like these that contribute to moving forward and making progress and shape them into well-rounded individuals who can withstand failures.

Bottom line: Focus on what truly matters while also celebrating their achievements.

Embrace Uncertainty

In a world where so much is instantaneous, emphasize the value of patience and persistence. Model and normalize the discomfort inherent in uncertainty and not knowing you’ll achieve the desired outcome. We are neither mind-readers nor fortune tellers and neither are our kids. What you can know for now (i.e., the facts) and what you can control is good enough.

 My favorite strategy to embrace is call “Wait and See.” This approach acknowledges that we can’t know everything ahead of time. Our nervousness or anxiety is a sign that we’ll have to be alert to gather information at the time so we can figure out what to do once we’re in a situation. We can wait and see what to do and ultimately decide if the situation was “good or bad” instead of forecasting gloom and doom.

Prioritize Time and Energy

Using a cost-benefit analysis often appeals to the logical side of kids (unless they’re already in a state of heightened anxiety).

For example, I remember going down the rabbit hole of searching to find the “best” luggage tags when getting ready for vacation. That was not time well spent. Often, the time and energy it takes to perfect something isn’t worth it. Sometimes, getting things done or putting it out there before something feels perfect is most definitely good enough. In a world where we truly cannot do it all, good enough is exactly what is needed for some things.

We can strive for excellence without getting stuck in perfectionism. Good Enough isn't settling for less; it's recognizing the value of progress over perfection.  

Good Enough is indeed a Super Power.

How do you incorporate "good enough" into your life?

What strategies have helped tame perfectionism in you or your child?

Emotional Intelligence: Chief to Success

Although not a huge football fanatic by nature, watching my hometown Chiefs these past few seasons, culminating in their Super Bowl win, has made a huge fan out of me. Like many, I am obsessed with Patrick Mahomes. Sure, he has talent, but his emotional intelligence is what is really striking and paved the way to his and the Chiefs’ success. 

Emotional intelligence (sometimes called EQ) is a term coined by researchers Peter Salavoy and John Mayer and popularized by Daniel Goleman in his 1996 book, “Emotional Intelligence.” Emotional intelligence involves:

• Recognizing emotions in yourself and others.

• Understanding how emotions affect behavior and thinking.

• Managing emotions effectively to achieve goals.

Emotional intelligence is linked to improved communication, reduced stress, more connected relationships, improved conflict resolution and resilience. These can lead to improved personal and professional life success. Here are some guidelines for helping develop and use emotional intelligence.

Understand Your Emotions

Emotions give us information about our environment. When we appreciate emotions as a source of information, we can more effectively respond to them. For example:

• Sad: a feeling related to loss, disappointment or missing out.

  Perhaps, we’ve missed out on something or we miss someone. Responses include empathy, validation, expression, seeking ways to reconnect or finding another way to be engaged. I think of the Disney movie “Inside Out” when I think of the sad emotion. They tried to get rid of it, but sad needed to be experienced and allowed for connection.

• Happy: I like what’s going on.

  Being aware of what makes us (and others) happy allows us to be grateful, find enjoyment and include more of it so we can balance out the negative with the positive. 

• Mad: I have a problem. Something is not going my way.

  Being frustrated or mad means a problem has occurred. It leads to empathy. The knowledge may trigger pausing to gather one’s thoughts to brainstorm and consider solutions to the problem. 

• Anxiety: Something dangerous is about to happen; consider this the Red Zone. 

  Mild anxiety: Pay attention or plan for a situation; consider this the Yellow Zone.

  Anxiety is our body’s alarm system, triggering the fight or flight system. Anxiety sometimes, jumps to the Red Zone instead of staying in the Yellow. For example, we feel stressed when we have too much to do. This is an appropriate response and means we need a plan to manage it.

Name Them to Tame Them 

Naming emotions means recognizing and validating them, for ourselves and others. Using language helps reactivate the thinking part of the brain, which is often disconnected or dampened when emotions are high.

• Notice emotions without judging them as good or bad. Too often, we consider being angry or anxious as “bad.” Consider simply saying, “I am feeling anxious.” 

• Validate and model emotion identification in others by naming the emotion and the situation. For example, “You seem overwhelmed with how many things you have to do right now,” or “You’re frustrated because something didn’t go your way.”

Take a Breath
A key to managing emotions is to create space between the situation and one’s emotions, so we can respond (thinking brain) vs. react (feeling brain). Breathing is all about creating the pause and creating space. 

• Consider breathing as a way to interrupt a train of thought and strong feeling, rather than a way to get rid of it. 

• Practice taking a breath between activities as a way to clear the mind. Let go of what happened or what might happen and move to the next activity with focus. Practicing this pause when calm will make it more effective when more necessary.

• Use apps to help clear the mind. Popular apps include Calm, Insight Timer, and Headspace.

Foster a Growth Mindset
In the words of Patrick Mahomes, “I just try to be the best Patrick Mahomes I can be.” Being the best person you can be does not necessarily equate to winning outcomes. But for Mahomes, it likely means he focuses on what he can control, learns from mistakes and avoids comparing himself to others in ways that lead to finding himself lacking. 

• Comparing ourselves to others often leads to envy or inadequacy at the expense of neglecting our own growth and development. Nurturing and growing strengths allows us to become more confident. Instead of adhering to the old adage of “The grass is always greener on the other side,” revise it “Water your own grass.”

• The only way to grow brains is to do challenging things. Rather than viewing challenges from a place of fear, view them as opportunities for growth. Resilience only develops in the face of adversity. Corrections, grades and tests are designed to provide feedback not evaluation of a person’s worth.

Emotional intelligence is key to becoming confident, resilient and successful. Name, honor, and validate feelings. Respect the information feelings are trying to communicate. Be the best you can be, whatever the situation.

Want to know your EQ? Take a quiz.  Emotional Intelligence Test (2019). Psychology Today)

For more information on EQ, check out these articles:
Thirteen Signs of High Emotional Intelligence by Justin BarisoFive Components of Emotional Intelligence by Kendra Cherry and Amy MorinTeaching Emotional Intelligence by Catherine Moore 
Is Emotional Intelligence Relevant for Kids by Catherine Moore