Good Enough is my Super Power
/Good enough truly is a superpower. This 8-year-old spouted off growth mindset concepts, such as “mistakes are how we learn,” yet still struggled with the challenge of perfectionism. She worried about being called out in class, falling behind if she missed class (for enrichment class!), getting it right, or feeling like she wasn’t following the rules. Her perfectionism showed up in much the same way it shows up in many kids’ (and adults’) lives:
I celebrated when she started embracing the ideas:
Her drawing spoke volumes, embodying the protection and strength of embracing “Good Enough.”
Many parents express confusion about their child’s perfectionism, as they tell me that they don’t necessarily emphasize perfection in achievement. Truly, it’s often the way kids are wired combined with a world that streams perfectionistic standards, offers immediate gratification, and focuses on achievement rather than experiencing life. (That’s a whole other topic we can dive into at a later time.) In the meantime, how do can parents help their kids develop the SuperPower of Good Enough?
Model Imperfection
Yes, the adage “actions speak louder than words” is inherently true. Kids learn better when they not only hear explanations but can see things in actions. Narrate your thoughts and feelings through setbacks and the process of moving through those thoughts and feelings.
For example, comment on experiencing frustration and disappointment but also how you acknowledge and then cope with these feelings when the outcome doesn’t match your expectations. Demonstrate that learning isn’t an all-or-none or linear process; rather, it’s about progress.
Embrace an approach to learning, growth, and development that is good enough for NOW. That’s not giving up. It’s recognizing that we continue to put forth effort to learn and grow; however, we don’t always have control over the speed at which it happens.
Similarly, if we don’t grasp something immediately, it doesn’t mean we are “bad” at it. Kids often say, “I am bad at math.” In reality, it simply means they need more time to grasp complex concepts, which is perfectly normal, particularly as they advance through grade levels. Through modeling, we normalize experiencing challenges and the emotions that accompany them as well as different ways to deal with them.
Avoid “Perfect” Language
Language matters. How often do you hear yourself or others say, “That’s perfect?” Normalize imperfection, using phrases like:
This is good enough. Oops, that didn’t work. This could work.I’ll try again later after a break.
Notice how you talk to yourself when you make a mistake or something doesn’t go as expected. When you’re unkind or hard on yourself, what do you do to move through that? Do you ever apologize to yourself? Do you find yourself reframing what you say to yourself?
Practice Self-Compassion
Simply put, be kind to yourself. Everyone has challenges, and no one tries to make what we often consider “bad” choices. We all do the best we can for the situation we are in, with the information we have, and with the resources available to us.
Likewise, we can appreciate the various factors related to a problem or challenging situation:
Looking at these different perspectives encourages compassion and enables us to see that it’s not “all our fault.”
Remember doing the best we can doesn’t necessarily lead to our desired outcomes. That’s OK. Sometimes it is what it is, and it’s good enough. When those choices end up not being the best, we learn from them.
Boost self-confidence
Encourage kids to go outside their comfort zone, even one tiny, small step at a time. Confidence isn’t having all the answers and knowing you’ll get it right. It’s trusting in yourself that you can handle disappointment or the unexpected and figure things out.
Every time they take a risk, it builds bravery and confidence. It normalizes discomfort and makes it feel less scary next time. It’s often this discomfort and fear of not being able to handle it that holds us back. Experience is how we truly learn, and no one gets it right all the time or escapes feeling embarrassed or awkward.
Celebrate the Process
Shift the focus from achievement to noticing qualities and effort along with the positive outcomes. Achievements can be fleeting and unpredictable, even with hard work. Whatever “success” is, it’s not always in our control.
While scoring a goal and acing a test are worth recognizing, it’s just as important to acknowledge the qualities that contribute to those accomplishments – maybe perseverance, patience, showing kindness, prioritizing, asking for help, or teamwork. It’s qualities like these that contribute to moving forward and making progress and shape them into well-rounded individuals who can withstand failures.
Bottom line: Focus on what truly matters while also celebrating their achievements.
Embrace Uncertainty
In a world where so much is instantaneous, emphasize the value of patience and persistence. Model and normalize the discomfort inherent in uncertainty and not knowing you’ll achieve the desired outcome. We are neither mind-readers nor fortune tellers and neither are our kids. What you can know for now (i.e., the facts) and what you can control is good enough.
My favorite strategy to embrace is call “Wait and See.” This approach acknowledges that we can’t know everything ahead of time. Our nervousness or anxiety is a sign that we’ll have to be alert to gather information at the time so we can figure out what to do once we’re in a situation. We can wait and see what to do and ultimately decide if the situation was “good or bad” instead of forecasting gloom and doom.
Prioritize Time and Energy
Using a cost-benefit analysis often appeals to the logical side of kids (unless they’re already in a state of heightened anxiety).
For example, I remember going down the rabbit hole of searching to find the “best” luggage tags when getting ready for vacation. That was not time well spent. Often, the time and energy it takes to perfect something isn’t worth it. Sometimes, getting things done or putting it out there before something feels perfect is most definitely good enough. In a world where we truly cannot do it all, good enough is exactly what is needed for some things.
We can strive for excellence without getting stuck in perfectionism. Good Enough isn't settling for less; it's recognizing the value of progress over perfection.
