Good Enough is my Super Power

Good enough truly is a superpower. This 8-year-old spouted off growth mindset concepts, such as “mistakes are how we learn,” yet still struggled with the challenge of perfectionism. She worried about being called out in class, falling behind if she missed class (for enrichment class!), getting it right, or feeling like she wasn’t following the rules. Her perfectionism showed up in much the same way it shows up in many kids’ (and adults’) lives:

 I celebrated when she started embracing the ideas:

Her drawing spoke volumes, embodying the protection and strength of embracing “Good Enough.”

Many parents express confusion about their child’s perfectionism, as they tell me that they don’t necessarily emphasize perfection in achievement. Truly, it’s often the way kids are wired combined with a world that streams perfectionistic standards, offers immediate gratification, and focuses on achievement rather than experiencing life. (That’s a whole other topic we can dive into at a later time.) In the meantime, how do can parents help their kids develop the SuperPower of Good Enough?

Model Imperfection

Yes, the adage “actions speak louder than words” is inherently true. Kids learn better when they not only hear explanations but can see things in actions. Narrate your thoughts and feelings through setbacks and the process of moving through those thoughts and feelings.

For example, comment on experiencing frustration and disappointment but also how you acknowledge and then cope with these feelings when the outcome doesn’t match your expectations. Demonstrate that learning isn’t an all-or-none or linear process; rather, it’s about progress.

Embrace an approach to learning, growth, and development that is good enough for NOW. That’s not giving up. It’s recognizing that we continue to put forth effort to learn and grow; however, we don’t always have control over the speed at which it happens.

Similarly, if we don’t grasp something immediately, it doesn’t mean we are “bad” at it. Kids often say, “I am bad at math.” In reality, it simply means they need more time to grasp complex concepts, which is perfectly normal, particularly as they advance through grade levels. Through modeling, we normalize experiencing challenges and the emotions that accompany them as well as different ways to deal with them.

 Avoid “Perfect” Language

Language matters. How often do you hear yourself or others say, “That’s perfect?” Normalize imperfection, using phrases like:

This is good enough. Oops, that didn’t work. This could work.I’ll try again later after a break.

Notice how you talk to yourself when you make a mistake or something doesn’t go as expected. When you’re unkind or hard on yourself, what do you do to move through that? Do you ever apologize to yourself? Do you find yourself reframing what you say to yourself?

Practice Self-Compassion

Simply put, be kind to yourself. Everyone has challenges, and no one tries to make what we often consider “bad” choices.  We all do the best we can for the situation we are in, with the information we have, and with the resources available to us.

Likewise, we can appreciate the various factors related to a problem or challenging situation:

Looking at these different perspectives encourages compassion and enables us to see that it’s not “all our fault.”

Remember doing the best we can doesn’t necessarily lead to our desired outcomes. That’s OK. Sometimes it is what it is, and it’s good enough. When those choices end up not being the best, we learn from them.

Boost self-confidence

Encourage kids to go outside their comfort zone, even one tiny, small step at a time. Confidence isn’t having all the answers and knowing you’ll get it right. It’s trusting in yourself that you can handle disappointment or the unexpected and figure things out.

 Every time they take a risk, it builds bravery and confidence. It normalizes discomfort and makes it feel less scary next time. It’s often this discomfort and fear of not being able to handle it that holds us back. Experience is how we truly learn, and no one gets it right all the time or escapes feeling embarrassed or awkward.

Celebrate the Process

Shift the focus from achievement to noticing qualities and effort along with the positive outcomes. Achievements can be fleeting and unpredictable, even with hard work. Whatever “success” is, it’s not always in our control.

While scoring a goal and acing a test are worth recognizing, it’s just as important to acknowledge the qualities that contribute to those accomplishments – maybe perseverance, patience, showing kindness, prioritizing, asking for help, or teamwork. It’s qualities like these that contribute to moving forward and making progress and shape them into well-rounded individuals who can withstand failures.

Bottom line: Focus on what truly matters while also celebrating their achievements.

Embrace Uncertainty

In a world where so much is instantaneous, emphasize the value of patience and persistence. Model and normalize the discomfort inherent in uncertainty and not knowing you’ll achieve the desired outcome. We are neither mind-readers nor fortune tellers and neither are our kids. What you can know for now (i.e., the facts) and what you can control is good enough.

 My favorite strategy to embrace is call “Wait and See.” This approach acknowledges that we can’t know everything ahead of time. Our nervousness or anxiety is a sign that we’ll have to be alert to gather information at the time so we can figure out what to do once we’re in a situation. We can wait and see what to do and ultimately decide if the situation was “good or bad” instead of forecasting gloom and doom.

Prioritize Time and Energy

Using a cost-benefit analysis often appeals to the logical side of kids (unless they’re already in a state of heightened anxiety).

For example, I remember going down the rabbit hole of searching to find the “best” luggage tags when getting ready for vacation. That was not time well spent. Often, the time and energy it takes to perfect something isn’t worth it. Sometimes, getting things done or putting it out there before something feels perfect is most definitely good enough. In a world where we truly cannot do it all, good enough is exactly what is needed for some things.

We can strive for excellence without getting stuck in perfectionism. Good Enough isn't settling for less; it's recognizing the value of progress over perfection.  

Good Enough is indeed a Super Power.

How do you incorporate "good enough" into your life?

What strategies have helped tame perfectionism in you or your child?

Moving Beyond Surviving

We’re about a month into various stages of social distancing, sheltering at home, working from home and learning from home. Where are you at? Where are your kids at?  

Regardless of where we’re at, which may change day by day or even moment to moment, we’re in this for the long-haul. Dr. April Seifert aptly likened the Coronavirus pandemic to “an endurance event none of us signed up for”.  We have to survive, but can we also thrive?

Show grace and compassion.

No one has it all figured out. We do the best we can for where we’re at. Give yourself permission to take time figure how to make this work and to make mistakes along the way. Maybe they are not even mistakes. Consider it doing your best given current circumstances and information. Be ready for ongoing adaptation.

We can’t do it all.  When was the last time we had to figure out how to teach, work, and parent at the same time? We’ll need to prioritize, let go, and lower some expectations. Know that even on difficult days, you (and your children) are doing your best.

Avoid comparison and competition.  What is working for you and your family might not work for others and vice versa. We’re all working to do the best we can. Appreciate each other and show kindness. 

Connect to communicate.

Reflect to connect. Encourage communication by paraphrasing back what you hear. Let them know you are listening, not fixing or dismissing.

Get curious.  Understand to collaborate. Avoid starting conversations with accusations or assumptions. Make a statement of concern or observation and ask them in a neutral way for more information. (e.g., What’s going on with that? Was there something that got in the way? I’m confused, I thought you were going to finish that. How’d that work out?)

Have fun. Children need to enjoy spending time with family. Find the time to relax and have fun with family. With online learning and juggling responsibilities, it’s easy to get caught up in the to-do list.

Act in ways that support what we value and who we are.

Pause and reflect on what’s important. Identify your values. These create a compass to prioritize. What we do and how we choose to respond either moves us toward creating a meaningful life and connections or moves us away from what we value.

Focus and build on strengths. Strengths also help us navigate challenges.  Wear your strengths wristbands is a great activity for younger children and teens and adults can take the VIA Character Strengths Survey.

Check in daily. The Greater Good Magazine presented six questions as a way to increase awareness day to day:

These questions keep the focus on TODAY.

They are also value-driven:

health, gratitude, connection, flexibility, and compassion.

Navigating through the pandemic will test perseverance but also highlight our strengths and clarify values. Life is offering us opportunities to develop flexibility, adapt to change, and build resilience. We want to be active participants in moving forward rather than waiting for the pandemic to end and things getting “back to normal.”  We have to survive. I believe that we can thrive.

Anxiety in the Time of Coronavirus (COVID-19)

COVID-19 is a game-changer, at least for now. Life as we know it will change, for awhile. Not surprisingly, COVID-19 can produce heightened, potentially unnecessary anxiety,. Three primary factors causing anxiety are uncertainty, the unexpected, and a lack of control – all of which COVID-19 undeniably generates. Granted, we should have SOME anxiety. Consider anxiety as having three distinct zones:

In relation the Coronavirus, we should be in the Yellow Zone, maybe even high in the Yellow Zone. Being cautious, planning and preparing is what needs to be done. We do not need to panic (i.e., Red Zone). We should keep informed of recommended guidelines and take action (i.e., social distancing, washing hands and surfaces), following them to the best our ability. Rather than obsessively checking the news, statistics, and scrolling the internet and Facebook for news, set aside time for checking in each day at a certain time for a limited amount of time.

Our goal is to weather this pandemic storm together and manage any anxiety provoked by it so we don’t land ourselves in the Red Zone and don’t let thoughts of the Coronavirus consume our lives.

Focus on what you can do rather than what you cannot do.

Acknowledge disappointment but focus on alternatives. Make the changes work for you. Suddenly, we have more time on our hands that we might know what to do with. It likely feels surreal and unnatural. How many times, however, have we wished we had more, unscheduled time? Take advantage of it. With my recently appropriated staycation, I am looking forward to playing more games, decluttering my house, reading, spending time with family, developing a new home workout routine, catching up on some rest, and cooking with my kids. Develop an attitude of gratitude.

View the pandemic as an opportunity to practice and model flexibility, resilience, and kindness.

Flexibility and resilience are qualities that help us become successful as human beings. This is the epitome of the proverbial Plan A not working. It’s a good thing we have an entire alphabet to develop new plans. Learn to accept and tolerate uncertainty as par for the course. Base decisions on information that you have, take things one step at a time, and adjust accordingly. Find ways to be kind to others, whether it’s cooking or leaving food for others, writing letters, using your talents to help others (e.g., online tutoring).

Get Creative.

Given all the change, we’re going to tap into our creativity. We will have to think outside the box and develop new ways of doing things, including maintaining social connection. Social media and technology can be a boon instead of a problem. We can create virtual hangouts, post virtual performances, or even watch movies “together” virtually. My boys already talk to each other while playing video games. In this time of social isolation, connect through writing letters, particularly to grandparents or the elderly who may feel even more isolated given their heightened risk.

Build in Structure

Given disruption in our daily lives and social distancing, we all likely have more time on our hands. Children, and adults for that matter, do well when there is structure. Maintain a regular sleep-wake cycle and mealtimes. Identify what goals are important to you, such as family time, exercise, learning, fun, and creativity and brainstorm activities that support these goals, working them into your day. Even if kids aren’t fully on board, plant seeds and model.  For example, I have a puzzle lying out on a table, anyone can work on as they pass by. We’re planning meals that involve teamwork and time that we usually don’t have time for (e.g., lasagna).

We will weather this pandemic. If we weather it together.

“Life has not been cancelled, only changed. Change is not necessarily bad, only different.”

Check here for additional resources regarding the Coronavirus and managing your well-being.

Shots are a pain but they don't have to be

With summer ending and school starting, the flu season is not probably the first thing on your mind. But the season is coming. The flu vaccines are arriving at the doctors' offices.  The only way to be protected this year against the flu is by getting the vaccine - in other words: a shot! (See the CDC media release). Shots are one of the main anxieties children have about going to the doctor, causing much distress. Actually, the shots themselves don't cause as much distress as the anxiety about shots does. The good news is that are strategies that can minimize the anxiety before the shot and the pain of the shot. And it's based on facts. The Centre for Pediatric Pain Center in Canada has a passion for finding ways to lessen children's experience of pain and works hard to share what what works. It doesn't have to hurt. Take 2 minutes and watch the video below for some research-backed tips to make it easier for everyone. Maybe you have some of your own tips to share.

Setting up You and Your Child for Success Series

I'm so excited to be teaming up with Village Pediatrics, LLC and Pediatric Partners for a series of presentations offering parents support and guidance to build their child's confidence and emotional resilience as well as their own. There is so much information out there in books, blogs, and websites. My goal is to streamline the multitude of information and put it in easy to understand terms. Parents can take away the information and put it into practice, building on successes they already have while working through any challenges.

Feb. 4: Raising Terrific Toddlers (Pediatric Partners, PA)

March 4: Helping Your Anxious Child (Village Pediatrics LLC)

April 1: Proactive Parenting with School-Aged Children (Pediatric Partners, PA)

The first and last presentations focus on general parenting. The key to success is being a proactive vs. reactive parent, no matter what the issue is, big, small or not even there yet.  The principles and strategies presented help set the stage for working through not only general issues that occur across your child's development. They may help decrease the likelihood or temper the severity of issues that may appear later, such as anxiety, depression, self-esteem, social issues, and general adjustment, or at the very least, help provide a solid foundation to build upon to address issues that surface later.

The middle presentation is a repeat on the topic of anxiety (with some updates, of course). I have a special fondness for treating anxiety, as anxiety is so prevalent (@ 1 in 8 children). Although anxiety may not always appear interfere significantly with outward functioning (these are often the "good-kids" or the "people-pleasers" so they work to hold it together), the amount of distress anxiety can cause can become overwhelming. Anxiety responds extremely well to cognitive-behavioral strategies, i.e., specific coping strategies to tame the anxiety so it doesn't interfere with life. I'm excited to share these strategies and resources. 

I hope to see you there and I welcome ideas for other topics to present.