Good Enough is my Super Power

Good enough truly is a superpower. This 8-year-old spouted off growth mindset concepts, such as “mistakes are how we learn,” yet still struggled with the challenge of perfectionism. She worried about being called out in class, falling behind if she missed class (for enrichment class!), getting it right, or feeling like she wasn’t following the rules. Her perfectionism showed up in much the same way it shows up in many kids’ (and adults’) lives:

 I celebrated when she started embracing the ideas:

Her drawing spoke volumes, embodying the protection and strength of embracing “Good Enough.”

Many parents express confusion about their child’s perfectionism, as they tell me that they don’t necessarily emphasize perfection in achievement. Truly, it’s often the way kids are wired combined with a world that streams perfectionistic standards, offers immediate gratification, and focuses on achievement rather than experiencing life. (That’s a whole other topic we can dive into at a later time.) In the meantime, how do can parents help their kids develop the SuperPower of Good Enough?

Model Imperfection

Yes, the adage “actions speak louder than words” is inherently true. Kids learn better when they not only hear explanations but can see things in actions. Narrate your thoughts and feelings through setbacks and the process of moving through those thoughts and feelings.

For example, comment on experiencing frustration and disappointment but also how you acknowledge and then cope with these feelings when the outcome doesn’t match your expectations. Demonstrate that learning isn’t an all-or-none or linear process; rather, it’s about progress.

Embrace an approach to learning, growth, and development that is good enough for NOW. That’s not giving up. It’s recognizing that we continue to put forth effort to learn and grow; however, we don’t always have control over the speed at which it happens.

Similarly, if we don’t grasp something immediately, it doesn’t mean we are “bad” at it. Kids often say, “I am bad at math.” In reality, it simply means they need more time to grasp complex concepts, which is perfectly normal, particularly as they advance through grade levels. Through modeling, we normalize experiencing challenges and the emotions that accompany them as well as different ways to deal with them.

 Avoid “Perfect” Language

Language matters. How often do you hear yourself or others say, “That’s perfect?” Normalize imperfection, using phrases like:

This is good enough. Oops, that didn’t work. This could work.I’ll try again later after a break.

Notice how you talk to yourself when you make a mistake or something doesn’t go as expected. When you’re unkind or hard on yourself, what do you do to move through that? Do you ever apologize to yourself? Do you find yourself reframing what you say to yourself?

Practice Self-Compassion

Simply put, be kind to yourself. Everyone has challenges, and no one tries to make what we often consider “bad” choices.  We all do the best we can for the situation we are in, with the information we have, and with the resources available to us.

Likewise, we can appreciate the various factors related to a problem or challenging situation:

Looking at these different perspectives encourages compassion and enables us to see that it’s not “all our fault.”

Remember doing the best we can doesn’t necessarily lead to our desired outcomes. That’s OK. Sometimes it is what it is, and it’s good enough. When those choices end up not being the best, we learn from them.

Boost self-confidence

Encourage kids to go outside their comfort zone, even one tiny, small step at a time. Confidence isn’t having all the answers and knowing you’ll get it right. It’s trusting in yourself that you can handle disappointment or the unexpected and figure things out.

 Every time they take a risk, it builds bravery and confidence. It normalizes discomfort and makes it feel less scary next time. It’s often this discomfort and fear of not being able to handle it that holds us back. Experience is how we truly learn, and no one gets it right all the time or escapes feeling embarrassed or awkward.

Celebrate the Process

Shift the focus from achievement to noticing qualities and effort along with the positive outcomes. Achievements can be fleeting and unpredictable, even with hard work. Whatever “success” is, it’s not always in our control.

While scoring a goal and acing a test are worth recognizing, it’s just as important to acknowledge the qualities that contribute to those accomplishments – maybe perseverance, patience, showing kindness, prioritizing, asking for help, or teamwork. It’s qualities like these that contribute to moving forward and making progress and shape them into well-rounded individuals who can withstand failures.

Bottom line: Focus on what truly matters while also celebrating their achievements.

Embrace Uncertainty

In a world where so much is instantaneous, emphasize the value of patience and persistence. Model and normalize the discomfort inherent in uncertainty and not knowing you’ll achieve the desired outcome. We are neither mind-readers nor fortune tellers and neither are our kids. What you can know for now (i.e., the facts) and what you can control is good enough.

 My favorite strategy to embrace is call “Wait and See.” This approach acknowledges that we can’t know everything ahead of time. Our nervousness or anxiety is a sign that we’ll have to be alert to gather information at the time so we can figure out what to do once we’re in a situation. We can wait and see what to do and ultimately decide if the situation was “good or bad” instead of forecasting gloom and doom.

Prioritize Time and Energy

Using a cost-benefit analysis often appeals to the logical side of kids (unless they’re already in a state of heightened anxiety).

For example, I remember going down the rabbit hole of searching to find the “best” luggage tags when getting ready for vacation. That was not time well spent. Often, the time and energy it takes to perfect something isn’t worth it. Sometimes, getting things done or putting it out there before something feels perfect is most definitely good enough. In a world where we truly cannot do it all, good enough is exactly what is needed for some things.

We can strive for excellence without getting stuck in perfectionism. Good Enough isn't settling for less; it's recognizing the value of progress over perfection.  

Good Enough is indeed a Super Power.

How do you incorporate "good enough" into your life?

What strategies have helped tame perfectionism in you or your child?

Get Ready Kids. Back-to-School Adventures are Coming Soon!

Read the Parent Version Parenting Tips to Ease Back to School Anxiety HERE.

Can you feel the buzz in the air? It's time to gear up for that incredible adventure called "Back to School"! OK, so maybe you’re not that excited for school to start. Maybe you’re feeling nervous and unsure about the new school year. Guess what? That's totally normal! Here are some ideas to tackle the back-to-school adventure with confidence and a smile on your face.

Hey, guess what? Feeling a little nervous is completely okay! We all feel nervous when we don't know what to expect. Guess what’s even cooler? We can face those nerves with confidence! Talk to your grown-ups about how you're feeling, and they'll listen and understand. Everyone has those moments of feeling nervous about starting new things. Knowing that you're not alone in feeling this way can make everything seem much better.

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You know that feeling you get when you're about to go on a thrilling ride? Well, starting the new school year can feel just like that! It's okay to have a mix of emotions, like being excited to see your friends, wondering what your new teacher will be like, or hoping your friends will be in your class. Did you know that even excitement and nervousness work the same way in our bodies? Yup, they both make our hearts race and give us butterflies in our tummies! They both make us alert to what’s going on. So, don't worry if you're feeling a little bit of both – it's just your amazing brain getting ready for a big adventure! Let yourself be a little worried, knowing that you’ll figure it out once you’re there. Let yourself focus on the excitement of discovering what’s new and what cool things might be waiting for you.

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Feeling prepared helps us feel less nervous and makes it easier to be excited!

Step One: Figure out what is the same versus what is different. For example, you’ll still have a teacher, you’ll still have classmates (some same and some different), you’ll probably learn the same subjects, and have a lot of the same specials like gym or music. When you stop to think about it, there is usually more that is the same than is different.

Step Two: Gather all the cool information you can find about the new school year. Talk to your grown-ups and ask them about your new school, classroom, and teacher. You can even take a little trip to see your school before it starts – that might make you feel more at home! You can even ask your parents to create a schedule or calendar you can see, so you always know what's coming next. When you get to school, you’ll get more information about what the school year will be like. Once you have that information, you’ll make new plans if you need to.

Step 3: Pay attention to what you are feeling and thinking. Simply notice them. For example, “I’m having a feeling of nervousness,” or “I’m having a thought that I won’t know anyone in my class.” Once you notice what you’re feeling and thinking, you can decide whether it’s worth keeping, letting it go, sharing, or using it to make a plan.

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Remember, you have a superhero support system – your family, your trusted adults, and your good friends! They're like your very own anchors, keeping you steady and strong. Share your feelings with your trusted adults, and they'll always be there to cheer you on! Whether it's a big hug, a high-five, or a thumbs-up, they've got all the love and encouragement you need to succeed. You can borrow their confidence to help you feel a little bit more brave when you need it.

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All right, awesome adventurers, are you ready to rock this school year? You might have a mix of feelings, but that's what makes it so incredible! Let yourself feel the excitement and be OK with a little bit of nervousness, too. You've got lots of support – all you have to do is talk to others and ask for help when you need it. Your best friends in this adventure are curiosity, courage, and a big smile on your face.

Ready, Set. Go!

Parenting Tips to Ease Back to School Anxiety

As the new school year approaches, parents and children alike may experience a rollercoaster of emotions. From excitement to nervousness, these feelings are entirely normal and often stem from the uncertainty that accompanies the start of a new school year. As a parent, it's essential to recognize and validate your child's emotions while instilling confidence and offering support. Here are some practical parenting tips to help your child navigate back to school with a positive mindset and readiness to embrace the opportunities that lie ahead.

CHECK OUT the Kids Blog and Workbook.

Embrace the Mixed Emotions

At the start of the school year, your child may go back and forth between excitement and anxiety. This comes as no surprise as there are often things kids look forward to, such as seeing their friends again, and also things that are uncertain and unknown that can cause anxiety, like what will their teacher be like, who will I sit with at lunch, and what if they pile on loads of homework this year. Understanding that anxiety and excitement both activate the nervous system can help you empathize with your child’s emotions. They might get butterflies in their stomach or a racing heart, whether they’re excited and anxious. Likewise, when something is important, people can feel excited and look forward to it or flip into anxiety, worrying about whether that it won’t go well. All of this to say, don’t be alarmed or confused if your child seems to be switching from a positive, excited state to a negative, anxious state. All these mixed emotions are normal, and even expected.

Validate the Nerves

Uncertainty often triggers anxiety, and the school year often feels full of unknowns. Instead of brushing aside their concerns with reassurances like, “You’ll be fine,”), take the time to really listen and validate their feelings. Let them know it makes sense that they’re nervous. For example, “Of course, you’re excited to meet new people, but also a little nervous that it won’t happen since it’s something that you want to happen.” By acknowledging their worries, you give your child a safe space to express themselves without judgment. Encourage your child to also look for opportunities that might lie ahead. You can explain that starting something new is like being an explorer and getting curious about the new surroundings. By looking for possibilities and opportunities, it makes it easier for their brains to find opportunities instead of problems.

Instill Confidence

 Instilling confidence requires a bit of what I call realistic optimism -- acknowledging what is or might be hard but letting them know they have everything inside of them and support from others to figure out what lies ahead. Encourage them to take one step at a time and be patient. It’s impossible to have it all figured out right away. The only way to really know and figure out what to do is to go and gather information, like an explorer. Then, they can make a new plan or ask for help. Empathize with having to face their fears and assure them you have confidence in their ability to gather information, make new plans, or ask for help. Once you’ve listened and validated their feelings, offer to brainstorm ideas with them, if they seem ready to hear them. Sometimes, children simply want you to listen. If they're not ready to hear ideas, let them know you're there for them no matter what.

Help Your Child Know What to Expect 

Since uncertainty fuels anxiety, providing information about the upcoming school year can significantly reduce anxiety. Offer the details you do know about the school year and classroom environment. You can even drive by the school or do a practice drop-off. Create visual schedules or calendars that have school information, activities, lunch menus, or daily schedules. Another way to help kids feel more comfortable with the start of the school year is to list out what might be the same and what might be different. You can even frame it as a game - how many things are kind of the same and what things really are different. Having a sense of the familiar can bring a sense of comfort and reduce anxiety about the changes. 

Be an Anchor For Your Child

When our children are distressed or struggling, it tugs on a parent's heartstrings. It’s natural to feel anxious and excited for them. Parents want their children to be happy and honestly, it's hard to see them struggle. Sometimes, parents can even worry that their kids don't seem worried enough! Sometimes if a parent's excitement is more than the child's, it can have the unintended effect of pressuring the child to have a great day, rather than experiencing it for what it is, including moments that are enjoyable and some that may not be.

 It’s essential that parents are aware of their own emotions, so they don’t inadvertently transmit anxiety or excitement to their children. Instead, be a steady anchor of support. Take your cues for conversation from your child, listening actively to what they say and what they don't say. Offer empathy, understanding, and encouragement to create a safe space for them to share their feelings openly. Your child can feel and will respond to your emotional current.

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 Back-to-school season is a time of growth and new beginnings for parents and children. By empathizing with your child's emotions, maintaining open communication, and fostering a growth mindset, you can help your children approach the school year with excitement and confidence. As parents, you play a vital role in providing support and shaping their experience as they embark on the new adventure of the school year.

Moving Beyond Surviving

We’re about a month into various stages of social distancing, sheltering at home, working from home and learning from home. Where are you at? Where are your kids at?  

Regardless of where we’re at, which may change day by day or even moment to moment, we’re in this for the long-haul. Dr. April Seifert aptly likened the Coronavirus pandemic to “an endurance event none of us signed up for”.  We have to survive, but can we also thrive?

Show grace and compassion.

No one has it all figured out. We do the best we can for where we’re at. Give yourself permission to take time figure how to make this work and to make mistakes along the way. Maybe they are not even mistakes. Consider it doing your best given current circumstances and information. Be ready for ongoing adaptation.

We can’t do it all.  When was the last time we had to figure out how to teach, work, and parent at the same time? We’ll need to prioritize, let go, and lower some expectations. Know that even on difficult days, you (and your children) are doing your best.

Avoid comparison and competition.  What is working for you and your family might not work for others and vice versa. We’re all working to do the best we can. Appreciate each other and show kindness. 

Connect to communicate.

Reflect to connect. Encourage communication by paraphrasing back what you hear. Let them know you are listening, not fixing or dismissing.

Get curious.  Understand to collaborate. Avoid starting conversations with accusations or assumptions. Make a statement of concern or observation and ask them in a neutral way for more information. (e.g., What’s going on with that? Was there something that got in the way? I’m confused, I thought you were going to finish that. How’d that work out?)

Have fun. Children need to enjoy spending time with family. Find the time to relax and have fun with family. With online learning and juggling responsibilities, it’s easy to get caught up in the to-do list.

Act in ways that support what we value and who we are.

Pause and reflect on what’s important. Identify your values. These create a compass to prioritize. What we do and how we choose to respond either moves us toward creating a meaningful life and connections or moves us away from what we value.

Focus and build on strengths. Strengths also help us navigate challenges.  Wear your strengths wristbands is a great activity for younger children and teens and adults can take the VIA Character Strengths Survey.

Check in daily. The Greater Good Magazine presented six questions as a way to increase awareness day to day:

These questions keep the focus on TODAY.

They are also value-driven:

health, gratitude, connection, flexibility, and compassion.

Navigating through the pandemic will test perseverance but also highlight our strengths and clarify values. Life is offering us opportunities to develop flexibility, adapt to change, and build resilience. We want to be active participants in moving forward rather than waiting for the pandemic to end and things getting “back to normal.”  We have to survive. I believe that we can thrive.

Anxiety in the Time of Coronavirus (COVID-19)

COVID-19 is a game-changer, at least for now. Life as we know it will change, for awhile. Not surprisingly, COVID-19 can produce heightened, potentially unnecessary anxiety,. Three primary factors causing anxiety are uncertainty, the unexpected, and a lack of control – all of which COVID-19 undeniably generates. Granted, we should have SOME anxiety. Consider anxiety as having three distinct zones:

In relation the Coronavirus, we should be in the Yellow Zone, maybe even high in the Yellow Zone. Being cautious, planning and preparing is what needs to be done. We do not need to panic (i.e., Red Zone). We should keep informed of recommended guidelines and take action (i.e., social distancing, washing hands and surfaces), following them to the best our ability. Rather than obsessively checking the news, statistics, and scrolling the internet and Facebook for news, set aside time for checking in each day at a certain time for a limited amount of time.

Our goal is to weather this pandemic storm together and manage any anxiety provoked by it so we don’t land ourselves in the Red Zone and don’t let thoughts of the Coronavirus consume our lives.

Focus on what you can do rather than what you cannot do.

Acknowledge disappointment but focus on alternatives. Make the changes work for you. Suddenly, we have more time on our hands that we might know what to do with. It likely feels surreal and unnatural. How many times, however, have we wished we had more, unscheduled time? Take advantage of it. With my recently appropriated staycation, I am looking forward to playing more games, decluttering my house, reading, spending time with family, developing a new home workout routine, catching up on some rest, and cooking with my kids. Develop an attitude of gratitude.

View the pandemic as an opportunity to practice and model flexibility, resilience, and kindness.

Flexibility and resilience are qualities that help us become successful as human beings. This is the epitome of the proverbial Plan A not working. It’s a good thing we have an entire alphabet to develop new plans. Learn to accept and tolerate uncertainty as par for the course. Base decisions on information that you have, take things one step at a time, and adjust accordingly. Find ways to be kind to others, whether it’s cooking or leaving food for others, writing letters, using your talents to help others (e.g., online tutoring).

Get Creative.

Given all the change, we’re going to tap into our creativity. We will have to think outside the box and develop new ways of doing things, including maintaining social connection. Social media and technology can be a boon instead of a problem. We can create virtual hangouts, post virtual performances, or even watch movies “together” virtually. My boys already talk to each other while playing video games. In this time of social isolation, connect through writing letters, particularly to grandparents or the elderly who may feel even more isolated given their heightened risk.

Build in Structure

Given disruption in our daily lives and social distancing, we all likely have more time on our hands. Children, and adults for that matter, do well when there is structure. Maintain a regular sleep-wake cycle and mealtimes. Identify what goals are important to you, such as family time, exercise, learning, fun, and creativity and brainstorm activities that support these goals, working them into your day. Even if kids aren’t fully on board, plant seeds and model.  For example, I have a puzzle lying out on a table, anyone can work on as they pass by. We’re planning meals that involve teamwork and time that we usually don’t have time for (e.g., lasagna).

We will weather this pandemic. If we weather it together.

“Life has not been cancelled, only changed. Change is not necessarily bad, only different.”

Check here for additional resources regarding the Coronavirus and managing your well-being.

Emotional Intelligence: Chief to Success

Although not a huge football fanatic by nature, watching my hometown Chiefs these past few seasons, culminating in their Super Bowl win, has made a huge fan out of me. Like many, I am obsessed with Patrick Mahomes. Sure, he has talent, but his emotional intelligence is what is really striking and paved the way to his and the Chiefs’ success. 

Emotional intelligence (sometimes called EQ) is a term coined by researchers Peter Salavoy and John Mayer and popularized by Daniel Goleman in his 1996 book, “Emotional Intelligence.” Emotional intelligence involves:

• Recognizing emotions in yourself and others.

• Understanding how emotions affect behavior and thinking.

• Managing emotions effectively to achieve goals.

Emotional intelligence is linked to improved communication, reduced stress, more connected relationships, improved conflict resolution and resilience. These can lead to improved personal and professional life success. Here are some guidelines for helping develop and use emotional intelligence.

Understand Your Emotions

Emotions give us information about our environment. When we appreciate emotions as a source of information, we can more effectively respond to them. For example:

• Sad: a feeling related to loss, disappointment or missing out.

  Perhaps, we’ve missed out on something or we miss someone. Responses include empathy, validation, expression, seeking ways to reconnect or finding another way to be engaged. I think of the Disney movie “Inside Out” when I think of the sad emotion. They tried to get rid of it, but sad needed to be experienced and allowed for connection.

• Happy: I like what’s going on.

  Being aware of what makes us (and others) happy allows us to be grateful, find enjoyment and include more of it so we can balance out the negative with the positive. 

• Mad: I have a problem. Something is not going my way.

  Being frustrated or mad means a problem has occurred. It leads to empathy. The knowledge may trigger pausing to gather one’s thoughts to brainstorm and consider solutions to the problem. 

• Anxiety: Something dangerous is about to happen; consider this the Red Zone. 

  Mild anxiety: Pay attention or plan for a situation; consider this the Yellow Zone.

  Anxiety is our body’s alarm system, triggering the fight or flight system. Anxiety sometimes, jumps to the Red Zone instead of staying in the Yellow. For example, we feel stressed when we have too much to do. This is an appropriate response and means we need a plan to manage it.

Name Them to Tame Them 

Naming emotions means recognizing and validating them, for ourselves and others. Using language helps reactivate the thinking part of the brain, which is often disconnected or dampened when emotions are high.

• Notice emotions without judging them as good or bad. Too often, we consider being angry or anxious as “bad.” Consider simply saying, “I am feeling anxious.” 

• Validate and model emotion identification in others by naming the emotion and the situation. For example, “You seem overwhelmed with how many things you have to do right now,” or “You’re frustrated because something didn’t go your way.”

Take a Breath
A key to managing emotions is to create space between the situation and one’s emotions, so we can respond (thinking brain) vs. react (feeling brain). Breathing is all about creating the pause and creating space. 

• Consider breathing as a way to interrupt a train of thought and strong feeling, rather than a way to get rid of it. 

• Practice taking a breath between activities as a way to clear the mind. Let go of what happened or what might happen and move to the next activity with focus. Practicing this pause when calm will make it more effective when more necessary.

• Use apps to help clear the mind. Popular apps include Calm, Insight Timer, and Headspace.

Foster a Growth Mindset
In the words of Patrick Mahomes, “I just try to be the best Patrick Mahomes I can be.” Being the best person you can be does not necessarily equate to winning outcomes. But for Mahomes, it likely means he focuses on what he can control, learns from mistakes and avoids comparing himself to others in ways that lead to finding himself lacking. 

• Comparing ourselves to others often leads to envy or inadequacy at the expense of neglecting our own growth and development. Nurturing and growing strengths allows us to become more confident. Instead of adhering to the old adage of “The grass is always greener on the other side,” revise it “Water your own grass.”

• The only way to grow brains is to do challenging things. Rather than viewing challenges from a place of fear, view them as opportunities for growth. Resilience only develops in the face of adversity. Corrections, grades and tests are designed to provide feedback not evaluation of a person’s worth.

Emotional intelligence is key to becoming confident, resilient and successful. Name, honor, and validate feelings. Respect the information feelings are trying to communicate. Be the best you can be, whatever the situation.

Want to know your EQ? Take a quiz.  Emotional Intelligence Test (2019). Psychology Today)

For more information on EQ, check out these articles:
Thirteen Signs of High Emotional Intelligence by Justin BarisoFive Components of Emotional Intelligence by Kendra Cherry and Amy MorinTeaching Emotional Intelligence by Catherine Moore 
Is Emotional Intelligence Relevant for Kids by Catherine Moore

Talking to Your Child about Difficult Topics

I’m not as active on my blog as I’d like, but apparently, there are some things that grab my attention and motivate me to write and post – unfortunately, it’s tragedy. In the last week, two shootings and pipe bombs were fueled by hate. Topics, such as these, are disturbing and may feel difficult to talk about with your child. With the advent of social media and 24-hour news, information spreads quickly. Shielding your child from the news and information is not an option. Other recent events include school shootings, bullying, suicide, racism, and sexual assault. What’s a parent to do? In short, keep the lines of communication open.

• Children may or may not have strong feelings about an event or even be aware of the event. Find out what they know, without interrogating them, by making a brief statement or observation. For example, I heard some people talking about the shooting in Pittsburgh. I wondered if you’d heard about or talked about that. This allows you to correct any mis-information as well as understand your child’s perspective.

• Listen to what your child has to say. Let your child’s answers guide your conversations. Let conversations occur naturally and potentially in small parts.

• Be brief. Stick to the facts. Be truthful. Respond at an age-appropriate level. Younger children may worry about more concrete, practical issues; whereas older children may worry more about the implications of an event.

• Provide reassurance about their safety if needed (i.e., what plans are in place) and what they can do if appropriate.  

• Although you may have your own fears or discomfort related to talking about a potential situation, avoid transmitting your own anxiety to your children. Children often listen in to adult conversations, so be aware of your potential audience if you are discussing an event with another person.

• Teach your children inclusion, kindness, empathy. Teach them to speak up and speak out. Teach them that individuals can make a difference. We can’t necessarily prevent senseless acts of violence, but we can still be empowered to make a difference in the world.

In sum, be available to talk as needed, but don’t over-emphasize a situation. Take your cues from child about how much an issue may or may not need to be addressed.

Additional Resources:

How to talk to children about difficult news

https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/talking-to-children.aspx

How to Talk to Kids About Difficult Subjects

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-difficult-subjects

Talking to Children About Tragedies & Other News Events

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/Media/Pages/Talking-To-Children-About-Tragedies-and-Other-News-Events.aspx

What You Can Do in the Face of School Shootings, Suicide, and Tragedy

The latest school shooting in South Florida,  in combination with recent local suicides, brought about many feelings and reactions,. Sadness. Worry. Frustration. Compassion. Helplessness.

I read through the media and Facebook posts. Many are trying to pinpoint the cause of school shootings. Should we blame the lack of mental health or the gun laws? There is no one answer. It's probably a combination of many factors, and there is no easy or quick solution. What can we do to assuage the feeling hopelessness or helplessness?

CONNECT

That one word is the key to a better world. Be inclusive. Be kind. Be polite. Be generous. When we are inclusive, kind, polite, and generous towards others, we invite them to belong. If people feel they belong, that they are valued, that they are part of a community, they don't feel isolated or targeted. There is no need to strike out towards others or towards oneself. 

When we talk to our children about school shootings and violence and suicide, connect with feelings. Reassure them. Talk to them about it at their level. Encourage conversation and connection with your own child. Avoid creating fear and anxiety; rather, create a sense of empowerment. Talk to your children about what they can do. Talk to them about connecting with others, being inclusive, being kind, being considerate. It's about creating inclusive communities. 

Does My Child Have ADHD?

If you were looking for an online test to find out if your child has ADHD, you won't find it here. Although the diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is based on specific behavioral criteria listed in the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual (DSM-V), an effective evaluation is more complex than checking off whether your child displays those behaviors. As a parent, being informed helps you be the best advocate for your child and will help you make a decision when considering an evaluation.

Many psychological, learning, and biological problems can mimic or heighten behaviors characteristic of ADHD. Such conditions include but are not limited to anxiety, depression, sensory processing disorder, head trauma, life stress, and developmental disorders. For example, anxiety can cause poor concentration and focus. Poor sleep has consistently been associated with behavior problems that may look like ADHD. 

Two-thirds of children with ADHD also have a co-occurring disorder. Common disorders include disruptive behavior disorders, anxiety, depression, learning problems, tic disorders, and substance use. Without a thorough evaluation, a child may be misdiagnosed or associated problems may be overlooked. A thorough evaluation provides invaluable information not only about whether a child may meet the criteria for ADHD, but also offer information about specific academic, emotional, and behavioral functioning that will inform treatment. 

Components of a thorough evaluation may include:

1. Hearing and vision screen. Prior to seeking an evaluation for ADHD, children need to be screened for any hearing or vision problems, as both hearing and vision problems are known to be associated with behavior problems characteristic of ADHD. 
2. A structured interview with a licensed professional (physician, psychologist, psychiatrist). A structured interview is designed to gather specific information about possible symptoms of ADHD in addition to possible issues that could mimic or exacerbate attention, hyperactivity, or impulsivity (for example, disrupted sleep, changes in environment, etc). Information is obtained about a child's emotional and behavioral functioning across settings (e.g., at home, at school, with peers). The child can be interviewed separately or together with parents, depending on the age, to gather this information. The interviewer will explore whether behaviors associated with ADHD negatively impact a child's functioning in the home, at school, and socially.
3. Standardized questionnaires, general and specific, completed by at least one parent, one teacher, as well as the child if possible. Nationally-normed, standardized questionnaires assess overall emotional, social, and behavioral (including attention and hyperactivity) functioning, indicate the severity of symptoms relative to child's peer group, and screens for other contributing or co-occurring conditions. Examples include the Conners' Rating Scales and the Behavior Assessment System for Children (BASC). Specific questionnaires provide information on frequency of specific ADHD symptoms that mirror diagnostic criteria. Commonly used questionnaires include the Vanderbilt NICHQ, the SNAP-IV, or the ADHD rating scale. Some professionals may also include measures of executive functioning such as the Behavior Rating Inventory of Executive Functioning (BRIEF) or Comprehensive Executive Functioning Inventory (CEFI). Executive functioning overlaps with but is not identical to problems associated in cognitive functioning and attention in ADHD.
4. Observations of the child. It should go without saying that the professional should meet and interact with the child. Ideally, observations are made during informal conversation and play as well as in structured tasks or play.
5. Testing. Testing provides specific scores relative to peers as well as useful observations of a child in a testing situation and while performing certain types of tasks. The amount and type of testing often depends on information obtained during the initial interview. No specific test can provide a definitive diagnosis of ADHD, but results and observations from testing aid the diagnostic process. Many professionals administer a visual and/or auditory continuous performance task (CPT), a task designed to assess sustained and selective attention and identify problems with distractibility and impulsivity. Additional tests can further evaluate memory, processing speed, and other executive functions. If a child is having academic difficulties, formal IQ and achievement tests can identify specific learning disabilities. Although formal testing is not required for a diagnosis of ADHD, it can provide invaluable information to aid in a diagnosis and provide a more complete picture of a child's attention, executive functioning, and learning profile of strengths and challenges.  
6. Feedback. A feedback session reviews the results of the evaluation, discussing how information obtained in the evaluation led or did not lead to a diagnosis and the presence of any co-occuring problems. Following diagnostic impressions, the professional typically provides recommendations for treatment, brief intervention strategies, and resources.
7.  Written Report. Once an evaluation is complete, parents receive a written summary of the evaluation and diagnosis for their records and to provide to collaborating professionals as appropriate (e.g., school, pediatrician, psychiatrist, therapist, etc.)

Obtaining a diagnosis for ADHD is a complex process. Components and specifics of an evaluation will vary, but in the end, a thorough evaluation provides information that helps parents understand their child better and what options are moving forward to set their child up for success. Here's how I ultimately categorize ADHD evaluations:

• Basic: Interview and specific questionnaire regarding ADHD that contains screening for other disorders, completed by at least 2 out of 3 sources (parents, teacher, or self). This is standard practice in many pediatrician's offices. 
• Thorough: Structured interview, broad-based and specific questionnaires from multiple sources. Some type of testing or observations. The evaluation is conducted by a licensed professional. This testing is often sufficient for school-aged children or for those with no concerns about possible learning problems or if a clinician already knows the child well. For example, some children present with anxiety. Once the anxiety component is better addressed, the possibility of ADHD may become more apparent and more easily established with this type of testing. This slightly more comprehensive evaluation can better inform treatment. 
• Comprehensive: All of the above as well as intelligence, learning, and memory testing. I often recommend the gold standard testing for adolescents, especially high school and beyond as it provides necessary information to help prepare for college and beyond. If you need accommodations for the SAT or ACT, many require this type of testing as well. 

Breathing to Calm: There's an App (and more for that)

As mentioned in a previous blog, breathing is the most basic way to help your child to learn to self-calm and relax (as well as yourself!). Sometimes breathing doesn’t work so well because our minds are still focused on all the negative thoughts running in our head (or as one parent mentioned “Stinkin’ Thinkin”). A child may need a more concrete and interesting way to practice or use breathing. These breathing strategies are entry levels to meditations and mindfulness. Help your child learn and practice this great tool for finding calm. You'll be happier (and calmer) you did.

Calm.com or Calm app (Free). This is a fantastic app/website that provides various nature and abstract scenes to focus on when breathing. It allows the mind to escape while also breathing to calm the body.  When viewing the scenes, you can incorporate descriptions using senses as you and your child breathe. For example, I feel the wind on my face, the sand squishing in my toes, etc. You can use a timer and there are two free guided meditations to try out. Additional meditations are also available via in-app purchases.

Breathe2Relax app (Free). Rate your stress level before and after practicing breathing. Have a soothing scene in the background. Follow a moving bar as you breathe in and out, customizing the lengths of how long you inhale and exhale.

Sync Your Breathing to This. A great animated gif that uses visual and hearing senses to help keep focused on the breath. 

For 10 minutes, do nothing but breathe. Clear your head, meditate, be free of worries for ten whole minutes

Four Square Breathing. Trace a square, counting to 4 as you breathe in, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, hold for 4. Repeat. This offers a visual and concrete way to practice and distract the mind in order to focus on the breathing. Repeat at least 4 times since it is 4 square breathing :) 

Infinity or Lazy 8 Breathing. Trace a figure 8, lying on its side, breathing in as you trace one side and breathing out as you trace the other side. Easy to follow and very portable as you can trace an imaginary lazy 8 with your finger on your desk, your hand, your thigh, wherever. Repeate 8 times since it's a lazy "8".

Take 5 Breathing from Childhood 101 . Offers a great graphic that teaches your child to use their hand and trace it as they breathe in and out. The site also offers a graphic using yoga to calm down.

Turtle to Cat Stretch.  Breathe in and out as you fold your body down into child’s pose – curled up like a turtle on your hands and knees with your head down. Take another breath or two in child’s pose. Breathe in and out as you rise up, unfold the body, and stretch hands and arms toward the sky – much like a cat stretching out all the way.

Angel Wings. Stand tall, with hands by your sides. Breathe in as you raise your arms up above the head so the hands touch at the top above your head. Breathe out as your arms gently lower back to your sides.

Hulk to Wet Spaghetti. Stand near a bed or soft chair. Squeeze all of your muscles tighter and tighter, just like the hulk. Then let all the tightness, anger (or other emotion) go at once and fall back into the chair or the bed. 

Feel Better? Find your quiet, happy place and just breathe.

Photo by kostolom/iStock / Getty Images

Shots are a pain but they don't have to be

With summer ending and school starting, the flu season is not probably the first thing on your mind. But the season is coming. The flu vaccines are arriving at the doctors' offices.  The only way to be protected this year against the flu is by getting the vaccine - in other words: a shot! (See the CDC media release). Shots are one of the main anxieties children have about going to the doctor, causing much distress. Actually, the shots themselves don't cause as much distress as the anxiety about shots does. The good news is that are strategies that can minimize the anxiety before the shot and the pain of the shot. And it's based on facts. The Centre for Pediatric Pain Center in Canada has a passion for finding ways to lessen children's experience of pain and works hard to share what what works. It doesn't have to hurt. Take 2 minutes and watch the video below for some research-backed tips to make it easier for everyone. Maybe you have some of your own tips to share.

Blowing the Mads and Sads Away: Breathing to Self-Calm

Self-calming is a key skill your child can learn.  The most basic strategy you can teach your child is to breathe slowly and gently to help calm the body’s physical reaction to distress (i.e., the fight or flight feelings). When the body feels bad and is in a state of distress, it’s hard to think or be logical. These physical feelings are like the scary music in a movie. I’m dating myself – but think of the Jaws movie. What makes it so suspenseful and scary is the music! It’s not so scary if there’s no music. Use these strategies to minimize the “music,” decrease overall stress, and self-calm.

Help your child understand what happens to our bodies when angry, frustrated, anxious, etc. Use a doll or drawing to point out the following physical reactions:

• Heart beating fast or pounding
• Breathing fast; feeling short of breath
• Stomachache or nausea
• Hot
• Tight muscles
• Feeling light-headed or dizzy
• Headache
• Tears
• Shaky
• Restless energy

Teach your child slow, gentle breathing.

• Explain: Our bodies are really good at getting upset (or insert other emotions) but not so good at calming down. Our job is to teach it. Let’s talk about how you can help your body to feel better.

• Demonstrate slow, gentle breathing:

1.      Put one hand on your chest below your neck and the other hand right above your belly button. Pretend you have a big balloon in your tummy. Let’s fill it up. Watch you hand go up as you fill it up. Now let it out slowly. Great job! One more time. This helps your body feel calm and relaxed. *Some children also like to do this exercise lying down on the floor.

2.      Our bodies are better at getting upset than calming down. If you want to get better at something, what do we do? That’s right – we practice! Practicing breathing can be pretty boring but I know a secret. The secret is how to blow really awesome bubbles. If you breathe in really slow and let it out gentle, then you can blow super bubbles. Let’s see who can blow the most bubbles. *If your child has trouble blowing bubbles, you can have him “help you” blow the bubbles by breathing in and out just like you as you blow the bubbles. You can also use a pinwheel.

3.      Now let’s practice blowing pretend bubbles. Blow “bubbles.” Did you see how many bubbles I blew? Let’s see how many you can do. Let’s imagine blowing your mads (or other feeling) away. Watch them float away.

• Practice daily. We’re going to practice this every day so we get really good at breathing and feeling calm so when we do get upset, the breathing will work better to help us calm our bodies. This is great for mommies and daddies to practice too. I’m glad we’re going to work together.

R einforce and model the breathing.

1.      Make a habit of breathing every time you change activities (get in/out of car, finish breakfast, go upstairs, etc). Take a slow, gentle breath – like a big sigh. It releases the tension and stress that builds up during the day and helps clear the mind to get ready for the next activity. Do this with your child or remark that you are taking a break and a taking a breath so that the child might join you. This is a life skill that helps reduce overall stress. You might be surprised at how much you benefit from using this strategy!

2.      When your child is upset, breathe with your child. State the emotion and situation. You are so upset we have to leave. I know it would be more fun if we could stay but we have to go. Use the cue: Let’s blow the sads (or mads) away.

3.      Only give your child one, at the most two reminders. You cannot force your child to breathe when upset. You can only model, suggest, and reinforce it. That’s OK if you don’t want to take a breath, but I’m going to take a couple before we leave. Then model the slow, gentle breathing.

4.      Every time you see your child practicing, pay attention and/or praise their effort (even if it didn’t work so well). I’m proud of you for trying your breathing, even if it didn’t help as much as you wanted. I saw you stop and take a breath when upset – you’re doing a great job teaching your body to calm down.

5.      Model breathing when upset. When you have a problem situation arise, talk out loud and about your feelings, the situation, and your breathing. I am upset right now or that didn’t go as expected. I’m going to take a few breaths to calm down before I decide what to do.

It takes practice and consistency to develop this skill, but you and your child will be glad you did!

Setting up You and Your Child for Success Series

I'm so excited to be teaming up with Village Pediatrics, LLC and Pediatric Partners for a series of presentations offering parents support and guidance to build their child's confidence and emotional resilience as well as their own. There is so much information out there in books, blogs, and websites. My goal is to streamline the multitude of information and put it in easy to understand terms. Parents can take away the information and put it into practice, building on successes they already have while working through any challenges.

Feb. 4: Raising Terrific Toddlers (Pediatric Partners, PA)

March 4: Helping Your Anxious Child (Village Pediatrics LLC)

April 1: Proactive Parenting with School-Aged Children (Pediatric Partners, PA)

The first and last presentations focus on general parenting. The key to success is being a proactive vs. reactive parent, no matter what the issue is, big, small or not even there yet.  The principles and strategies presented help set the stage for working through not only general issues that occur across your child's development. They may help decrease the likelihood or temper the severity of issues that may appear later, such as anxiety, depression, self-esteem, social issues, and general adjustment, or at the very least, help provide a solid foundation to build upon to address issues that surface later.

The middle presentation is a repeat on the topic of anxiety (with some updates, of course). I have a special fondness for treating anxiety, as anxiety is so prevalent (@ 1 in 8 children). Although anxiety may not always appear interfere significantly with outward functioning (these are often the "good-kids" or the "people-pleasers" so they work to hold it together), the amount of distress anxiety can cause can become overwhelming. Anxiety responds extremely well to cognitive-behavioral strategies, i.e., specific coping strategies to tame the anxiety so it doesn't interfere with life. I'm excited to share these strategies and resources. 

I hope to see you there and I welcome ideas for other topics to present. 

Discipline vs. Punishment

So often when we hear the word discipline, we think of punishment. In fact, there is much more to discipline than punishment and consequences. Simply punishing a behavior or action does not teach the child what to do instead. The more important aspect of discipline is skill building and teaching. Before focusing on consequences and punishments (not saying they are not necessary), identify the qualities and behaviors you want for your child. What are they? Patience, Listening, Sharing, Politeness, Generosity, Responsibility, Independence, Relationships? There are so many qualities that foster success. Here are a few rules of thumb for effective discipline:

1. Catch your child being good and let them know exactly what it is they are doing when they are “good.” For example, instead of saying, “Great job!” when they waited quietly, tell them, “I really appreciated your being patient and quiet while I finished talking with Sue’s mom.”  or "That was a tough problem and you worked it out even though you were frustrated." 
2. Build your relationship with your child. Notice what your child does. Comment on it. Listen and paraphrase what they say so they know you are listening to them. Include them in chores and activities as helpers to develop their sense of belonging and work ethic - it's never too early.
3. Limit attention to negative or undesirable behaviors. Be short and matter-of-fact when addressing “problem” behaviors and provide consequences as appropriate (e.g., A House Rule might be automatic time away from others if aggressive, followed by an apology when calm). Then focus on noticing times when your child is handling conflict better or pointing out others handling conflict better. If your child is behaving in a way that you don't like, find the opposite of that behavior to reinforce and model. For example, if your child is bossy and controlling in play, model and pay attention to sharing, taking turns, and being considerate of others. If your child has trouble following directions, notice when they do follow directions and comment on it. 

Essentially, your attention to positive or desired behaviors should always be much more prevalent than comments and attention to negative behavior. So take some time today and appreciate your child's better qualities and watch your child blossom.

Hello and Welcome

Welcome to my blog. I hope you find this blog a way to support you in being a positive and proactive parent that will help you build and foster your child's strengths while addressing problems as they arise.  I will focus on skill-building and developing a positive relationship with your child (which helps foster the qualities you would like to see in your child). I will also discuss how to help your child manage strong emotions, whether it's anger, anxiety, sadness, frustration or any other emotion. If you have a topic you want to see addressed, let me know. I cannot provide specific advice on an individual situation but will endeavor to discuss ways of handling issues in general. I hope you'll be a frequent visitor to my blog.